i dont know what to think about this summer

it was awkward

i felt like i just didnt know myself, who i was, why i made dumbshit choices.

my 2nd year starts on monday

i am absolutely scared out of my mind. right out of it. i am just nervous i wont live up to my own standards
but i have to remember it’s school. i’m there to learn and grow

and i’ve got everything i need. i’m an artist, i don’t look back.

my jaw wont close correctly. kiiinndda freaking me out.

just a little while ago i called a good friend of mine on a whim and, as fairly usual, he was more than happy (i assume) to listen to my rants of nothing.

he’s such an amazing person, and i hope he knows that. he’s so encouraging to me and so sweet and honest. i really hope he finds someone who appreciates him for everything he is. and if she doesnt i will beat her ass.

i’ve listened to almost nothing but bob dylan for the past few nights. so good.

i’m real tired of boys. REAL tired of them.

but i want to find the perfect date for joannas wedding. omri said he wants to come to alabama…totally would be awesome totally.

my stomach hurts.

i need to do alot of things tomorrow that i wanted to do yesterday. i wonder if there’s pills to cure habitual laziness

but watching little rascals was absolutely better than doing anything productive.

i think i’ll write a song

my word of the summer: undesirable.

booyyyyy do i have some things to write about. i have taken this monday off, mainly because i have spent entirely too much time at applebees in the past two weeks, and i also need to recover from the weekend of actual hell.

we begin with friday, august 8th.
work. going pretty smoothly, making the moneys. i get off work and go to get my clothes…and i realize i left them in a bag on the third floor.
they are gone.
my jeans, my black high top chucks, and my amazing houndstooth vest. just gone. noone knows what happened or where they went. i.was.livid. who takes someones clothes?! what can you do with that!? the head head hauncho of applebees happened to come in the next morning and after hearing my sob story, he replied with “who hear could even wear your size? maybe one of the gay guys?”

saturday.
i stayed friday night with jake&adam, spending the entire night trying to knock on the scary neighbors door and also attempting to watch 10,000 BC (which never happened) i wake up and subway it home and shower and go back to applebees (i was definately half an hour late and i was all like suck it applebees my shit got stolen)
i worked as the 1st floor waitress (it’s four hightop tables at the bar) for 13 hours with 1 half our break and only made $150. not okay.
during my shift we found out our favorite manager has been transfered to 42nd street, so of course we all went out after closing and drank the night away.
this is where my night got fun (i say that with sarcasm oosing out of every single pore)

i asked the boy i’ve been “seeing”(if you will) for a little while to walk me to the subway. i havent really seen him in a while so i asked what was going on.
what was his response?
“i just dont have the desire with you anymore”
i reply with “you dont have the desire with me or with any girl?”
“no it’s just you”
……
“so you’re calling me undesirable?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

i then of course ask why
and he says “it was just too easy”

so, ladies and gents, he managed to call me undesirable AND easy in 5 minutes! i’m tellin you, this guy was a good catch. he ended up going on the rant about how it wasnt easy at first but then it was just too easy or some crap like that.

as he is saying all this i was literally laughing in his face. then then i laughed on the subway, then lying in bed, and i have continued to laugh.

i have also told this story to like 1,000 people because WHO DOES THAT?! what kindof human being tells another human being that they are UNDESIRABLE?! couldnt you say like “i’m just not attracted to you anymore” which is SO less harsh. i mean, i cant imagine if he said that to a girl who has no self esteem, she would flip out!

in all honesty, i can’t be mad at him. he was extremely honest with me…he was actually brutally honest with me.
and the guy’s got a good heart, it’s just that his brain is in the lower region of his body (IE, his penis).

sunday.
i walk into work and immediately everyone asked why i looked so banged up. i told them that i’d been called undesirable and they understood. BJ even took me for a drink and lunch at blockheads! i could get used to being called awful things if it gets me a corona.
but then of course it was domincan republic day and i rode the train home smashed up against a hundred screaming dominicans.
if i have ever thought extremely racist thoughts, it was on that train.

on the bright side, i met a cute boy at blockheads who might just be that other fish in the sea

southern new jersey is sending us rain. i hate new jersey.

john mccain needs to learn how to hold a mic like a normal person and not someone who has a paralyzed right arm.

obama just attempted a joke. wah wah.

fox 5 news is talking about this epidemic about kids using over the counter drugs like it’s something new. HELLLOOOOOO am i really wasting my time watching this!?!? this has been going on already for like two years or something! tell me information i need to know.

all this talk about jo’s wedding makes me want to get married.
not really. but it does make me wish i had a boy who would like to be my boyfriend. wahh waaahhhhhhhhhhh.

i got other shits to worry about. like going to the gym, which i have been doing lately and it’s aweeesoommeee. also i am cooking delicious foods to eat. too many things going on to have a boy.

sigh.

i read the first act of macbeth a bit ago. and i’m about to read the second. hollaaaaaaaaa.

i think bad commercials should be banned.

i also think i should be cast in a broadway show.

i also think H&M should give me free clothes.

saw “hamlet” in central park tonight with kane. an absolutely astounding piece of theatre.

got a callback for “spring awakening”
if you can send some good thoughts my way on friday at 4:15…i’d appreciate it.

i made 50 dollars on a lunch shift and was told the general manager likes me.

when claiming my tips i accidentally put in 250 dollars instead of the 25 i was planning on claiming. chuck (general man.) said just to claim alot less for the next few shifts…after he laughed and rolled his eyes…i think the eye rolling was because i had several other issues today that he had to deal with. and i dont think he likes dealing with servers issues…however, he apparentely likes me.

just a good, good day.

i feel like i’m a stupid teenager writing in her blog about a boy who she loves but everything is wacked and life doesnt work out how she wants it to.

but i’m not, dammit! i am a young, independant woman and i don’t need to sit around on my ass waiting for someone else to make up their mind.

aaaahhhhhhhh i wish the format was still together and i wish they were playing a free show in central park tomorrow night under the non-existant new york stars.

i ate dark chocolate today and realized that i hadn’t had any in several weeks…i was instantly happy. i need to buy more. INSTANT HAPPINESS. it’s like being a christian.

hahahahahahha.

sometimes i want my posts to be made up entirely of song lyrics that fit my mood right now.
maybe i’ll do that sometime.

i’m going craaaazzzyyyyyy

or maybe i just watched too many romance movies this weekend…that edward scissorhands…it’ll get ya every time.

i wonder what i want to talk about.

tomorrow is my last completely free day, thankfully. i woke up at 3 today and haven’t left my house. watched alot of friends, edward scissorhands, and now raising helen. i read a short story by neil gaiman (an absolutely amazing writer), and have been incessantly checking my facebook. tomorrow i’m determined to do something productive. watch the chekhov movie i’ve netflixed, and hopefully get through my second reading of “the seagull”

i’ve got myself a new york public library card! it made me realize once again that i actually live here. it was a good feeling.

i’m distracted by raising helen. which, by the way, is a good movie. i like it when alot of good little kid actors are in a film.

i start training at applebees on monday at 11:30. i will be training with brandon. we’ll see how that goes.

so here it is. i’m posting once again.
i come to this site, which i have unfortunately neglected for an amount of time, and i see 3 beautiful comments from 3 beautiful women who i am truly, truly blessed to be friends with. 3 of my very best friends and they all commented on one post about something so so silly…i’m lucky i tell you. very lucky.
and one of them is moving here very soon. i’m proud of you baby girl

so what’s been going on with my life i wonder? i got a job today! i will be a server at applebees starting may 12. in my interview the man asked why i was interested in the restaurant industry and i replied with “well i want to be an actress, and this seems to be the first step…”

i feel very strong-willed lately. i feel like i have a plan and i have a summer and i’m going to get it all done. i have an ungodly amount of reading to do. there is just so much creativity inside me that is going to spill out all over the place if i dont put it to good use. but it’s only been two days…so i think i’ll figure something out soon.

if anyone (and i’m sure everyone does) reads kendra’s wall, then the following story will be a repeat. but get over it.
so i’m standing in the subway this evening (2am) and this very toothless and very high homeless man walks up to derek and begins asking him all these questions about us (jessica, lydia and myself), and whether or not we were being taken care of tonight and such. he then proceeds to describe each one of us and when he gets to me he flippantly says “aw she’s cute and innocent” and a few moments later he says “oh wait, she’s the one you better watch out for”
and i am, dammit! i am the one you need to watch out for!

i’m going to change the world.
i’d be glad to accept your help if you’re willing. 

my stomach hurts. probably the gyro i ate at midnight.

i want everyone i love to live in new york and play with me every day.

i also want to be able to get away with having the creativity and spunk and carelessness of a five year old.
probably why i want to be an actress.

joanna comes here tomorrow night; this i am excited about. we have a isuper fantastico! weekend planned. yes yes yes.

i am happy. i am very happy with my life. very happy indeed.

i have no idea what’s been goin on lately and i just wish you would come over and explain things

i wish that i was the star of something like the truman show…but instead of cameras being around me they would be in my head. because i make some damn good jokes on a moment to moment basis and i think i could bring alot of joy to the world.
it would obviously be very vulgar and offensive joy, but joy nonetheless.

I AM SO TIRED OF OBLIVION. it is absolutely extraordinary how many people in this city seem to be living in oblivion! i mean, there are times where i really just want to pull someone aside and let them know that they arent the only humans on the earth.
i was riding on the 1 train home, and it was quite roomie compared to what the 1 train usually is during rush hour. i’m sitting, a bit squished between two women and there’s a teenage boy sitting on the opposite side of the woman to my left. he was involved with a group of teenagers on the train, mainly talking about how one of them was a ”homo” and also how “dude he keep tryan to grab mah meat yo” (or something)
fairly annoyed, i turn my music up (at this particular moment it was bob dylan. mmm love) a bit to drown them out. this boy sitting a seat away from me decides to spread his legs and basically lounge in the subway, leaning up against the woman next to me, which made her EXTREMELY uncomfortable so she has to lean into me thus causing a domino effect on the 1 train. i mutter “asshole” under my breath (i doubt he heard it. otherwise i probably would’ve gotten beat up by his little gang) and stand to exit the train.
now, i understand if someone does something unintentional. like bumping into me because they’re about to miss their stop…
but LOUNGING!? REALLY!?!? do you NOT see the 50 people in this car, all trying to get home in a good mood? do you realize you just ruined atleast 3 of those good moods? do you realize it? NO, because you dont know that other people exist in this world and that SOMETIMES they had a really bad day at school and their eyes are all puffy and red from crying because they had to relive a traumatic time from their childhood, and they simply want to get home without bursting into tears and curl up on the couch with a a bowl of rice! i know it may be news to you little subway boy, but people other than yourself matter in this world! i swear they do!

now i would like to say as i step down from my soap box, that there are infact some wonderful people in this city. and i do know that oblivion doesnt only exist in new york city. i just come in contact with more people on a daily basis here, which makes it more apparent.
at this small apparel store near 148th and broadway, the owners name is Habibi and i will occasionally go and talk with him. he sold me some super fly shoes once, and ever since then he’s been a neighborhood friend to talk with. he always reminds me to smile and keep my southern gentitlity. he has a friend in “tuscaroosma” (after about 5 minutes i realized he was trying to say tuscaloosa) who owns a store that sells harlem-esque apparel. i’m sure it goes over really well with the frat-bros.
there was a creepy creepy man staring at me on the 1 train this evening. he got off at my stop and pulled the ol’ “walk a little slower to be behind me” trick. but no! i would not fall for it. i stopped near a poh-lice man to get my keys out, and i noticed the man kindof lingered and would NOT stop staring at me. i’m not sure if he followed me on the street but i stopped in Habibi’s store just in case. and good thing too, because i found a REALLY cute skirt for $10.
i am hoping the rest of this week will be better than today. i believe i’m seeing sarah o. tomorrow and KENDRA comes monday. which means that even if this week goes down the pooper, next week will be the beginning of the rest of my life!
also i would like to say, incase anyone has forgotten…the words ”please,” ”thank you.” and ”excuse me” are apart of the english language.
SO USE THEM.

sarah ondocsin is in the city! we may hang out tonight, which makes me excited.
tomorrow i’ll be modeling a hat for a student at the fashion institute in some pictures. i met him when i did background work on “nick and norah’s infinate playlist.” which, by the way, will be coming out this october! starring michael cera. whom i love. and whom i met. and whom, i believe, is sitting thinking about me at this very moment and hoping we’ll run into each other someday. aayiiiiiiiiiiii

this weekend has been a usual less-than-thrilling weekend. however i think i’m going to a musical theatre bar with sarah and the UofA kids tonight so that will probably cause some enjoyment. i have alot of school work that i am for some reason putting off. maybe because it takes concentration which i seem to lacking?
i need to take my laundry in. i gave up on doing it myself a LONG time ago. plus angel does it really well (yes, angel is the laundry man’s name. he’s also like 24 and pretty. and he washes my panties…weird?)

i’m still lonely. infact today i think i’m extra-lonely. i watched the parent trap (starring the pre-crack, actually a good role model lindsay lohan) and pretty much cried my eyes out the whole time.
i would give myself to dennis quaid if he asked nicely. or if he just asked, doesnt even have to be nice about it.

i was going to wear green tonight, in pre-celebration of st patricks day. but then i realized the one green shirt that would be suitable for a saturday night is in the laundry that has yet to be taken to angel.

you would think after living in this apartment for almost 7 months, i would’ve grown accustomed to the spanish praise music blaring through my window from the community center behind my building….yet, i am not.